Editor’s Note: You can read the first article in this series here.
The Power of Our Words and Marital Conflict
In this series, we’ve been exploring communication between husbands and wives in the midst of conflicts. Times of disagreement are often high pressure moments where our words fly without much thought. In our last article, we looked at the power of our words. Our words have the power to either hurt or heal. To wound or comfort. To tear down or build up. Our words matter and have tremendous power to either strengthen or damage our marriages.
So, how should married couples communicate when they’re in the midst of conflict? First and foremost, they should aim to communicate in a way that is honoring to God.
Our Words Reveal Our Hearts
Our words reveal a core part of who we are on the inside. Scripture is very clear that our words come directly from our hearts:
For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
Luke 6:43-45
You can think of your words like the water coming out of a glass that is overflowing. What you say is pouring directly out of your heart. As Christians, our words should reflect our regenerated hearts. However, given the fact that we’re not sinless, sin in our hearts will come out in sinful words. Your speech reveals the current state of your heart. Additionally, Jesus tells us that we will give account for every word we speak:
I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, or by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.
Matt 12:36-37
God is tracking every careless word spoken. Unbelievers will be punished in Hell for all eternity for every single sinful word that has come out of their mouths.
For believers, any sinful words that have crossed our lips have been dealt with on the cross of Christ. He never once said anything that was sinful. He perfectly honored God with His speech every minute of every day of His life. Yet, He was punished for every lie you’ve ever told. Every profane or crude word that you’ve ever uttered. Every harsh outburst of anger that you’ve directed at your spouse or your kids. He bore God’s wrath for that sin. By the grace of God, we will not be condemned for our words. We are forgiven. However, that doesn’t give us a free pass to say whatever we want.
As believers, we should want to honor our Heavenly Father in how we speak. In James 3:9-12, James says this about our tongues:
With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.
As the Holy Spirit grows us in conformity to the image of Christ in our sanctification, our speech should not be like the sinful filth pouring out of the mouths of unbelievers. We must speak pure, life-giving words that reflect our new lives in Christ. There are many commands in scripture outlining how our words should be righteous, holy, and honoring to God to walk worthy of our calling in Jesus.
Honoring God in the Midst of Marital Conflict
As Christian couples, we must honor God in how we speak—even in times of conflict. We don’t get a free pass during a conflict to say whatever we want. “Well, yeah—that was wrong of me to say that, but I was mad and emotions were running high.” No. We need to honor God with our speech during conflicts.
We should have the same attitude as David in Psalm 39:1:
I said, “I will guard my ways, that I may not sin with my tongue; I will guard my mouth with a muzzle, so long as the wicked are in my presence.”
By submitting to the enabling power of the Holy Spirit, we can honor God with our tongues even in the midst of conflicts with our spouses. The North Star for couples in times of conflict should be to ensure they are honoring God with their words even when emotions are running high.
In our next article in this series, we’ll look at both foolish and wise ways to communicate in times of conflict.
