Editor’s Note: You can read the previous articles in this series below!
Marital Conflict and the Power of Our Words
Honoring God in the Midst of Marital Conflict
Wise and Foolish Communication in Marital Conflict
More Wise and Foolish Ways of Communicating in Marital Conflict
How we communicate in times of conflict can either strengthen our marriages or weaken them. Scripture tells us that even though our tongues are small members of our body, they can do tremendous damage (James 3:1-8). Our tongues carry the power of life and death (Prov 18:21) (see the first article in this series, Marital Conflict and the Power of Our Words). As couples, our goal should be to honor God with our speech, even in the midst of conflicts (see article two, Honoring God in the Midst of Marital Conflict). When emotions are high, it can be easy to let our words flow thoughtlessly. In our past two articles, we’ve been exploring foolish ways that we often communicate and the wise alternatives.
Let’s look at several more categories of foolish communication and then let’s talk about the wise ways that we should be speaking instead to honor God.
Angrily vs. Patiently
We’ve already talked about the foolishness of being overly emotional, but the most explosive form of this is anger. Feeling like someone has wronged us, feeling unjustly treated, or disrespected can lead to deep-seated anger. We’ve all felt this welling up inside of us. Anger, especially when directed at your spouse, can be extremely damaging. There are obviously wrongs done against us that will make us angry, but if you can’t control your anger, you will explode. Yelling or blowing up in anger has never once made a conversation go better.
Depending on your personality, maybe you don’t blow up. Maybe you internalize your anger and withdraw completely. Putting up a wall and giving your spouse the silent treatment is also damaging.
- Foolish Ways Anger Can Manifest Itself:
- Blowing up or yelling.
- Picking fights with your spouse.
- Sullenness, withdrawing, or giving the silent treatment.
- What Does the Bible Say About This?
- “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.” (Matt. 5:21-22)
- “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention” (Prov. 15:18).
- How Should We Communicate Instead?
- Longsufferingly/Patiently
- “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly” (Prov. 14:29).
- “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11).
- Longsufferingly/Patiently
Avoidantly vs. Proactively
Depending on your personality type, you may be more prone to retreating than attacking in a conflict. If you’re a peacemaker or you dislike conflict (which are good things), your flaw may be that you never want to address problems. You’re more content glossing over issues than trying to fix them. Even though you may look like a peacemaker on the surface, you could be poisoning your marriage by never addressing problems so that they snowball into much bigger issues over time. This could be due to the fear of man or laziness in not wanting to tackle hard things.
- Foolish Ways Avoidance Can Manifest Itself:
- Avoiding hard conversations.
- Shutting down when your spouse wants to talk about something uncomfortable.
- Seeing the world through “rose-colored glasses “and not honestly assessing problems.
- Letting problems fester.
- What Does the Bible Say About This?
- “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe” (Prov. 29:25).
- “I passed by the field of a sluggard, by the vineyard of a man lacking sense, and behold, it was all overgrown with thorns; the ground was covered with nettles, and its stone wall was broken down” (Prov. 24:30-31).
- How Should We Communicate Instead?
- Proactively Address Issues
- “Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom” (Song 2:15).
- Proactively Address Issues
Recklessly vs. Thoughtfully
I can think of comebacks very quickly. There have been many times over the years where I have just blurted something out to my wife without thinking through it and regretted it immediately.
Words spoken in a moment of rashness can have an impact for a lifetime. As the poet Carl Sandburg said, “Once they are spoken, words can only be forgiven, not forgotten.” If you’re a newlywed, something thoughtless you say in your first year of marriage can stay with your spouse for the rest of their life.
Sometimes people use the phrase “I’m just being honest” as an excuse to speak in an unkind way. Saying something that is true without thinking through how it will impact the other person isn’t being loving. We need to speak the truth in love, not blast people with our unvarnished opinions.
- Foolish Ways Recklessness Can Manifest Itself:
- Being brutally honest or “shooting from the hip”.
- Not thinking through the consequences of what you’re saying.
- What Does the Bible Say About This?
- “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Prov. 12:18).
- “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent” (Prov. 10:19).
- How Should We Communicate Instead?
- Thoughtfully/With Self Control
- “Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin” (Prov. 13:3).
- “The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things” (Prov. 15:28).
- “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble” (Prov. 21:23).
- Thoughtfully/With Self Control
Conclusion
I’m sure you’ll encounter plenty of times this week where your speech will be put to the test. The next time a conflict comes up—whether it’s big or small—will you speak to your spouse in a way that gives life or death? Will you speak wisely or foolishly? Will you build up your marriage with your words or tear it down? Will you light the fuse of the powder keg with the fires of hell or will you diffuse it with the cooling words of heaven?
I pray that you’ll submit to the Holy Spirit and use your words to honor God and love and respect your spouse.