Wise and Foolish Communication in Marital Conflicts

Editor’s Note: You can read the previous articles in this series below!
Marital Conflict and the Power of Our Words
Honoring God in the Midst of Marital Conflict

Foolish vs. Wise Communication
In this series, we’ve been exploring communication between husbands and wives in the midst of conflicts. Even though emotions may be running high in times of disagreement, it’s imperative that couples strive to honor God in how they communicate as they are navigating conflicts.

Communicating foolishly or sinfully in times of conflict is dishonoring to God and can add fuel to the fire of the conflict. First and foremost, communicating sinfully is an affront to God. We’re sinning against Him when we speak foolishly. As believers, that alone is reason enough for us to not want to fall into these traps.

Secondly, communicating foolishly actually makes the conflict worse most of the time. You shouldn’t want to fight against your spouse. You should want to come to a solution together. Why would you want to speak words that harm your spouse and make it harder to come to peace with them? Think of foolish communication as an accelerant in letting the fires of hell torch your marriage. Think of these as pouring gas on an open flame.

Communicating wisely in times of conflict honors God and can help bring conflicts to resolution. While you can’t control how your spouse communicates, you can control how you communicate and how you react to their communication. You should always want to communicate in a God-honoring way. Think of wise communication as a fire extinguisher that puts out the fuse of conflict that is burning towards the powderkeg.

One other thing to call out: while both husbands and wives should be honoring God with how they speak, the greater burden is on the husband. As the head of the household, God is holding you responsible for the spiritual direction of your family. You must lead with God-honoring speech. You must take the first step to proactively resolving conflicts. You must set the tone for how your family honors God in the midst of conflicts.

Let’s look at several categories of foolish communication and then let’s talk about the alternative ways that we should be speaking to honor God. 

Dismissively vs. Attentively and Understandingly
Do you give your spouse your full attention when they are speaking or are you waiting for your turn to talk? It can be incredibly easy to be self-focused in the midst of an argument and only focus on what you want to say. Or maybe you listen, but you dismiss any critique they bring up about you as off-base. Being unwilling to consider your spouse’s point of view is unwise and will certainly not help resolve the conflict.

• Foolish Ways This Can Manifest Itself:
  • Not listening or interrupting. 
  • Only “listening” to get ammo for your rebuttal.
  • Monologuing—not letting your spouse get a word in edgewise.
  • Not seeking to understand your spouse’s point of view.
  • Assuming you know what your spouse will say before they say it.

• What Does the Bible Say About This?
  • A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion. (Prov 18:2) 
  • If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. (Prov 18:13)

• How Should We Communicate Instead?
  • Listening/Seeking to Understand/Being Willing to Accept Correction
    • The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. (Prov 15:31)
    • A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool. (Prov 17:10)

Pridefully vs. Humbly
There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to work out a disagreement with someone who never thinks they are wrong or always thinks their ideas are best. If you never seriously consider what your spouse is saying, that is likely a sign of pride. If everything is always your spouse’s fault, maybe you need to search your own heart for pride.

• Foolish Ways This Can Manifest Itself:
  • Thinking you’re right all the time and never taking accountability for your words or actions.
  • Never accepting feedback from your spouse.
  • Speaking in a condescending manner.
  • A husband wielding his position as the head of the household like a weapon.

• What Does the Bible Say About This?
  • The LORD detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished. (Prov. 16:5)
  • The proud and arrogant person—“Mocker” is his name— behaves with insolent fury. (Prov. 21:4)

• How Should We Communicate Instead?
  • Humbly
    • When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. (Prov. 11:2)
  • Being Open to Correction
    • Whoever ignores instruction despises himself,  but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence. (Prov. 15:32)

We’re just scratching the surface in looking at categories of foolish and wise ways of speaking in conflicts. We’ll dig into several more categories in our next two articles.