Editor’s Note: You can read the previous articles in this series below!
Marital Conflict and the Power of Our Words
Honoring God in the Midst of Marital Conflict
Wise and Foolish Communication in Marital Conflict
In our current series, we’re exploring a biblical approach to communication in the midst of marital conflicts. In our last article, we outlined how communicating foolishly dishonors God and generally makes conflicts worse. Conversely, communicating wisely brings honor to God and can help us diffuse conflicts.
We just began to scratch the surface on common ways that couples communicate foolishly in times of conflict. Let’s look at other foolish ways that we often communicate and then the biblical alternative of wise communication.
Selfishly vs. Selflessly
In times of conflict, it can be very easy to push for your own way. We care about our own wants, needs, and desires. The world says that you need to advocate for yourself or no one else will. You need to love yourself. You need to pursue your own wants and desires. That is the opposite of how a Christian should be acting. We should seek to serve our spouses through sacrificial love.
When you are in a conflict, it is very easy to make conversations all about you. I’m not saying you can’t share your thoughts or even what you are advocating for, but I’m saying that you need to examine yourself for selfishness. As couples, we need to be serving one another and putting our own selfish desires to death. In times of conflict, are you only focused on yourself and what you want, or are you seeking to meet the needs of your spouse and your family?
- How Selfishness Can Manifest Itself:
- Always being focused on your own wants, needs, and feelings.
- Not listening to the heart of what your spouse is saying.
- Monopolizing the conversation.
- What Does the Bible Say About This?
- “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit” (Phil. 2:3).
- How Should We Communicate Instead?
- Selflessly
- “…but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:3-4).
- The Golden Rule – How You Would Want Your Spouse to Communicate to You
- “And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them” (Luke 6:31).
- Selflessly
Dishonestly vs. Honestly
We all know that out and out lying is expressly wrong, but how many of us fall into the trap of exaggerating in our speech? By using imprecise language and overstating or understating something in a conflict, we misrepresent the truth.
“You always do that.”
“You never do this.”
Exaggerating is another form of dishonesty. We can often make a mountain out of a molehill by exaggerating. By misrepresenting the frequency or severity of our spouse’s actions, we may put them on the defensive. (“I don’t always do that. What about the time XYZ happened and I didn’t do that?”)
- Ways the Dishonesty Can Manifest Itself:
- Out and out lying.
- Shading the truth by leaving key details out.
- Exaggerating by using words like “always” and “never”.
- What Does the Bible Say About This?
- “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight” (Prov. 12:22).
- “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another” (Eph. 4:25).
- How Should We Communicate Instead?
- Honestly
- “Whoever gives an honest answer kisses the lips” (Prov. 24:26).
- Lovingly
- Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. (Eph. 4:15-16)
- Honestly
Over-Emotionally vs. Calmly and Soberly
Emotions are a gift from God. It’s a blessing to be able to feel joy when something good happens and even to be able to grieve when something sad happens. The problem comes when emotions control you, rather than you controlling your emotions.
If you are not exercising self-control over your emotions, thinking clearly and having a rational conversation in a conflict is almost impossible. Immediately escalating every disagreement to a “ten” is counterproductive and can lead to a lot of hurt. If you are not thinking logically, you will jump to conclusions or not hear what your spouse is saying. You’re more prone to being defensive or angry.
Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. If you’re a believer and not exhibiting self-control, you’re quenching the Holy Spirit’s work in your life through sin.
- How Can a Lack of Self-Control Can Manifest Itself:
- Being overly sensitive.
- Assuming the worst about your spouse’s words or behaviors.
- Overreacting and bringing every disagreement to a “10” on the intensity scale.
- Defensiveness.
- What Does the Bible Say About This?
- “A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls” (Prov. 25:28).
- How Should We Communicate Instead?
- Calmly/Soberly
- “Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding” (Prov. 17:27).
- Calmly/Soberly
Harshly and Critically vs. Gently and Graciously
When emotions are high, you’re more likely to speak harshly to your spouse. Bringing up flaws and mistakes in an unloving or unproductive manner is wrong and can lead to great hurt. If you wound the heart of your spouse repeatedly, their heart can become hardened against you.
Verbal abuse is the extreme version of this—where one spouse has weaponized their words against another to hurt them. Criticizing your spouse can lead to the other person putting up defensive walls or going on the offensive themselves. If you have a standard of perfection that you expect your spouse to meet and never display grace, you will always find fault in what they do. If you criticize everything they do, they will resent you. Gentleness is also a fruit of the Spirit. If you’re a believer and not exhibiting gentleness, you’re quenching the Holy Spirit’s work in your life through sin.
- Ways that Harshness Can Manifest Itself:
- Being overly critical or always finding fault with your spouse.
- Having perfectionistic standards that are impossible to meet.
- Having a harsh tone or using biting words.
- Speaking rudely.
- What Does the Bible Say About This?
- “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1).
- “Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent” (Prov. 11:12).
- How Should We Communicate Instead?
- Gently/Graciously
- “A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit” (Prov. 15:4).
- “The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips. Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body” (Prov. 16:23-24).
- Encouragingly
- “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing” (1 Thess. 5:11).
- Gently/Graciously
In our final article, we’ll wrap up this series by looking at a few more foolish and wise ways of communicating.
