Many marital disagreements often emerge within three areas: (1) the functional issues of life; (2) preferences; or (3) perspectives. When a situation elevates, it is common for one or both spouses to become defensive. Often, finding the right solution takes a back seat to one or both spouses defending their position.
Defensiveness, however, is usually rooted in pride whether manifested aggressively (anger, raised voices, etc.) or passive-aggressively (belittling, inappropriate sarcasm, eye-rolling, the silent treatment, etc.). Defensiveness adds layers of complexity on top of the original issue, making it more difficult to get back to the initial problem and find the right solution.
Two becoming one in all the ways God intends (cf. Gen 2:24) is impossible without God’s grace. He has established specific roles and dispositions for each spouse outlined in Ephesians 5:22-33. Often, when either spouse steps outside of those boundaries, the escalation begins. So, what are we to do when one spouse refuses to listen, or refuses to talk, or won’t consider the other’s opinion? Husbands, consider 1 Peter 3:7. Wives, consider prayer.
Husbands: An Understanding Way
The apostle Peter urges men to live in “an understanding way” with their wives and to remember they are co-heirs with them in Christ (1 Pet 3:7). The verse ends with an interestingly subtle motivation—some may even call it a negative consequence—should a husband not heed Peter’s instruction. What’s the consequence? “…so that your prayers may not be hindered.” That’s interesting, but what does that mean? How are prayers hindered? Which prayers are hindered? What does “hindered” mean and how long does it last?
When read in its context, Peter’s second imperative is straightforward: we are to remember that our wives are co-heirs with us. This means that they belong to Christ. Husbands are to treat their wives as a sister in Christ with all the proper respect and love shown to any other believing brother or sister. However, the first imperative—to “live in an understanding way”—seems to be just as subtle as the consequence of hindered prayers.
To live with your wife “in an understanding way” is just two words in the Greek text which can be translated literally as “according to knowledge.” Peter was exhorting husbands to be students of their wives and to truly get to know them as females.
Years of study, experience, and counseling has brought me to believe that “an understanding way” means the husband needs to embrace the reality that women are different. It is common for husbands and wives to have differing views across the landscape of issues. As the leader of the family, men need to realize we cannot discount our wife’s different view just because we don’t immediately understand it. Women process events and relationships differently than men. Family dynamics and interpersonal relationships can be viewed differently between spouses. Priorities within family structure can be viewed differently by husbands and wives.
God designed marriage so that the two become one. It is incumbent on men to listen carefully to their wives, embracing God’s design of how he made them different, and, because of this, she is to be valued and heard. Our wives may communicate at times on different frequencies, complicating mutual understanding on a regular basis, but through the grace of God a man can live in an understanding way with his wife.
Wives: Prayer
Wives, prayer for your husband needs to be one of your highest priorities. Wives, be a prayer warrior for your husband. Be in regular, constant prayer for him as he leads and provides for the family. God’s Word teaches us to support our husbands in every way. Many times wives only think of the practical/relational areas, but he needs your prayers, and such prayer is pleasing to God.
Here are a few of the things to pray for:
- be thankful and grateful that our Father is with our husband through the day;
- ask God to bless projects he may be pursuing;
- God’s grace amidst your husband’s needs and struggles;
- protection as he encounters many people, temptations, decisions and pressures throughout the day.
We all get tired and weary. Pray for God’s sovereign protection on him throughout the day. And what if you are genuinely hurt by something he says or does? Pray for him. Ask God to give him a tender heart towards you. Thank God for him being in your life. After prayer, when the dust settles, tell him how he hurt you. Disagreements and hurt are no excuse for sin, though.
Paul instructs us, “Walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love” (Eph 4:1-3). When you and your husband disagree, pray for him. God will turn his heart (assuming he is not seeing things biblically) much quicker than your anger, nagging, or bad attitude will (Prov 19:13).
Pray for his spiritual walk. Pray that as he works and engages with others, that his heart will be continually soft, that he will have godly men to hold him accountable and speak into his life. Pray that he continues to grow into the man God created him to be. James tells us “the prayer of a righteous man produces much” (James 5:16).
What a blessing it is that we can go to the Father any time, any place, even with a broken heart, bad attitude, or hurt spirit. We need to use this supernatural resource—always. Bless your husband by asking the Lord to prompt you regularly and often to pray for him.
Becoming One Flesh
As I’ve already mentioned, two fully becoming one is impossible without God. We need to remember that our enemy, Satan, is prowling and hungry, seeking to devour us (1 Pet 5:8). He attacks the church, God’s Word, marriages, relationships, and individuals. Husbands and wives have different roles within the family (Eph 5:22-33; Titus 2:1-8), but both are expected to operate in unity, just as Genesis 2:24 teaches: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Practically, unity needs to be on the forefront of our minds when disagreements arise. We must move beyond thinking about or own personal interests and think within our biblical role as husbands, wives, and parents. Biblical principles are to guide our thinking, and when disagreements arise (as they inevitably will), husbands and wives need to forget about figuring out who is right and start working to determine what is right. If two are one, does it really matter which person is right? It is far more important to be doing the right thing as a couple rather than wasting energy on trying to decide who is right.
