The Dichotomy of David’s Life
In 1 Samuel 13:14, David is described as a “man after God’s own heart.” That’s a stunning description: David’s heart is like God’s heart. David had many wonderful qualities, such as being a wise leader, a true worshipper, and exhibiting deep kindness. Given all of those character qualities, one would assume that David excelled in honoring God in all areas of his life. However, if you look at David’s actions as a father, you see something rather shocking: David’s family was a mess.
David’s failings in two key areas led to disaster for his family. Specifically, his failings in purity and in passivity led to the death of several of his children, personal humiliation, and civil war for the nation of Israel.
In our last article, we looked at David’s significant failings in the area of sexual purity and how that negatively impacted his family. In this article, we’ll explore David’s failings in the area of passivity and see what we can learn from him.
David’s Failings in Passivity
What do we mean by “passivity”? David permitted things that he should have confronted because he was passive in dealing with major issues with his children. We can see this most clearly in how David dealt with (or rather, didn’t deal with) the sin of his sons.
The Rape of Tamar
In 2 Samuel 13, we see a horrific event play out in David’s family. David’s son, Amnon, had developed an intense sexual desire for his half-sister, Tamar:
Now Absalom, David’s son, had a beautiful sister, whose name was Tamar. And after a time Amnon, David’s son, loved her. And Amnon was so tormented that he made himself ill because of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible to Amnon to do anything to her. (2 Sam 13:1-2)
With the help of a friend, Amnon devises a scheme to get Tamar alone in his bedroom and he sexually assaults her:
Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food into the chamber, that I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the cakes she had made and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother. But when she brought them near him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, “Come, lie with me, my sister.” She answered him, “No, my brother, do not violate[a] me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this outrageous thing. As for me, where could I carry my shame? And as for you, you would be as one of the outrageous fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you.” But he would not listen to her, and being stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her. Then Amnon hated her with very great hatred, so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, “Get up! Go!” (2 Sam 13:10-15)
When the news reaches David, he is understandably upset:
When King David heard of all these things, he was very angry. But Absalom spoke to Amnon neither good nor bad, for Absalom hated Amnon, because he had violated his sister Tamar.” (2 Sam 13:121)
And, yet, we’re not told that David did anything to hold Amnon accountable. David is angry, but appears to do nothing to get justice for his daughter. This passivity leads to further tragedy in his family.
The Murder of Amnon
Tamar’s brother, Abasalom, is rightfully furious at the way that Amnon has abused his sister, so he devises a scheme to get revenge on Amnon:
After two full years Absalom had sheepshearers at Baal-hazor, which is near Ephraim, and Absalom invited all the king’s sons…Then Absalom commanded his servants, “Mark when Amnon’s heart is merry with wine, and when I say to you, ‘Strike Amnon,’ then kill him. Do not fear; have I not commanded you? Be courageous and be valiant.” So the servants of Absalom did to Amnon as Absalom had commanded. Then all the king’s sons arose, and each mounted his mule and fled. (2 Sam 13:23, 28-29)
As the news reaches David, we see that he’s again deeply upset:
But Absalom fled…the king’s sons came and lifted up their voice and wept. And the king also and all his servants wept very bitterly. But Absalom fled and went to Talmai the son of Ammihud, king of Geshur. And David mourned for his son day after day. So Absalom fled and went to Geshur, and was there three years. And the spirit of the king longed to go out to Absalom, because he was comforted about Amnon, since he was dead. (2 Sam 13:34, 36-39)
Yet, we see that David again does…nothing. He’s emotionally bereft, but doesn’t require justice for Amnon’s murder. His plan is to shun Absalom. Eventually, however, he allows Absalom to return:
So Absalom lived two full years in Jerusalem, without coming into the king’s presence…Then Joab went to the king and told him, and he summoned Absalom. So he came to the king and bowed himself on his face to the ground before the king, and the king kissed Absalom. (2 Sam 13:28, 33)
Despite this seeming reconciliation, Absalom has a simmering resentment in his heart towards his father.
Absalom’s Coup
David’s permissiveness and passivity has seemed to cause Absalom to lose all respect for David. Over the course of several years, Absalom turns the heart of the people of Israel away from David. Seizing an opportunity, Absalom makes a play to take the kingdom from David.
And a messenger came to David, saying, “The hearts of the men of Israel have gone after Absalom.” Then David said to all his servants who were with him at Jerusalem, “Arise, and let us flee, or else there will be no escape for us from Absalom. Go quickly, lest he overtake us quickly and bring down ruin on us and strike the city with the edge of the sword.” (2 Sam 15:13-14)
Absalom stages a coup against his own father and seeks to put him to death. David and his family have to flee from the kingdom in shame. Absalom sets himself up as king and seeks to humiliate his father in front of the people:
Now Absalom and all the people, the men of Israel, came to Jerusalem, and Ahithophel with him…Then Absalom said to Ahithophel, “Give your counsel. What shall we do?” Ahithophel said to Absalom, “Go in to your father’s concubines, whom he has left to keep the house, and all Israel will hear that you have made yourself a stench to your father, and the hands of all who are with you will be strengthened.” So they pitched a tent for Absalom on the roof. And Absalom went in to his father’s concubines in the sight of all Israel. (2 Sam 16:15, 21-22)
David’s unwillingness to confront or discipline Absalom has now led to chaos and civil war within his kingdom. Unfortunately, that’s not the end of the tragedy befalling David’s family.
The Death of Absalom
As David’s troops rally around him, David begs them to be gentle with Absalom for his sake. David’s troops eventually catch up to Absalom and find him cornered:
And Absalom happened to meet the servants of David. Absalom was riding on his mule, and the mule went under the thick branches of a great oak, and his head caught fast in the oak, and he was suspended between heaven and earth, while the mule that was under him went on. And a certain man saw it and told Joab, “Behold, I saw Absalom hanging in an oak.” Joab said to the man who told him, “What, you saw him! Why then did you not strike him there to the ground?…Joab said, “I will not waste time like this with you.” And he took three javelins in his hand and thrust them into the heart of Absalom while he was still alive in the oak. And ten young men, Joab’s armor-bearers, surrounded Absalom and struck him and killed him. (2 Sam 16:9-11, 14-15)
In hearing the news of Absalom’s death, David is absolutely devastated, to the point that his general has to rebuke him:
And the king was deeply moved and went up to the chamber over the gate and wept. And as he went, he said, “O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would I had died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!”…It was told Joab, “Behold, the king is weeping and mourning for Absalom.” So the victory that day was turned into mourning for all the people, for the people heard that day, “The king is grieving for his son.” And the people stole into the city that day as people steal in who are ashamed when they flee in battle. The king covered his face, and the king cried with a loud voice, “O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son!” Then Joab came into the house to the king and said, “You have today covered with shame the faces of all your servants, who have this day saved your life and the lives of your sons and your daughters and the lives of your wives and your concubines, because you love those who hate you and hate those who love you. For you have made it clear today that commanders and servants are nothing to you, for today I know that if Absalom were alive and all of us were dead today, then you would be pleased. Now therefore arise, go out and speak kindly to your servants, for I swear by the Lord, if you do not go, not a man will stay with you this night, and this will be worse for you than all the evil that has come upon you from your youth until now.” 2 Sam 18:33; 19:1-7)
What a true tragedy. We see sin after horrific sin being committed by David’s children and we see David repeatedly fall into a pattern of passivity and permissiveness. The end result is a family torn apart from within.
What Can We Learn From David’s Example?
David repeatedly failed to address the egregious sins of his children. You can see that he has a heart for his children. He gets angry at their sin. Yet, he never required justice from Amnon over the rape of Tamar, which led to Absalom taking matters in his own hand and killing Amnon. He never confronted Absalom over the murder of Amnon. He shunned him for a time but didn’t require justice. That caused Absalom to mount a coup against his father. Even then, David instructed his military leaders to deal gently with Absalom. And he mourned Absalom’s death so much that it seems like he would’ve been happier if Absalom succeeded.
David repeatedly let his emotions cloud his thinking and dictate his responses.
One of David’s greatest strengths is that he was tender-hearted. However, the misuse of a great strength can oftentimes lead to great weakness. He was a man of mercy and kindness, but he let that get the best of him at times. He let his tenderheartedness become weakness. He became permissive and passive when his children needed him most.
This highlights a deep spiritual truth for parents: not addressing sin is actually unloving. It wasn’t fair for Tamar, Amnon, Absalom, and the people of Israel. By not addressing the root sin of Amnon, it led to a daisy chain of sin that threw his kingdom into civil war.
What is the lesson for us? We should not be passive or permissive in our parenting. We should obviously have tender hearts towards our children, but we must confront, address, and discipline sin. As we do this, we must point them to the gospel and the need for forgiveness of sin that can only be found in Jesus Christ.
Many modern parenting methods, such as “gentle parenting”, would say that parents shouldn’t discipline kids. This is in direct opposition to what the Bible says. Proverbs 13:24 says that it’s actually hateful to not discipline our children. Not addressing sin through correction and discipline is bad for our children. We need to trust God’s Word and discipline them for their own good.
David’s passivity ultimately destroyed his family, resulted in the death of multiple children, and almost lost him his kingdom. We must learn from his failings and strive to avoid permissiveness and passivity in our families.
