It may be hard for many of us to hear, but some of Jesus’ sharpest words during his earthly ministry were directed at the family. You read that right. The Creator of the family often said rather shocking things about the family. For example, while preparing his disciples for an evangelistic mission, Jesus explained that one of the primary reasons for his coming to earth was to bring a sword between family members.
Do not think that I have come to bring peace on the earth. I have not come to bring peace on earth, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household.
Matt 10:34-36
We don’t often frame the purpose of the incarnation this way. When we think about the Son’s reasons for becoming a man, it is easier to highlight other passages. We readily acknowledge that the Son took on a human nature to save sinners (John 3:16-17), to die for his enemies (Rom 5:6-11), and to seek and save the lost (Luke 19:10). Each of these purposes for Jesus’ first coming is true and precious. But Jesus also came for another reason: to draw a clear line between those who belong to him and those who don’t, even if it means creating a sharp division among our closest relatives.
Elevating God’s Family Above the Natural Family
In giving such a strong word regarding one’s familial relationships, Jesus was not denigrating the natural family. As we’ve already noted, Jesus was the Creator of the family. Beyond this, the New Testament often speaks about the goodness of the Christian family, the intrinsic worth of marriage as a creation gift, and the responsibility of God’s people to honor their parents (see Matt 15:4; 19:4-6; Eph 5:22-31; 6:1-4; Col 3:18-21; 1 Pet 3:1-7). Jesus is not belittling the natural family: he is elevating the spiritual family to a place of greater and more permanent priority.
Although the natural family is a good gift from God, it is only temporary. In the coming age, there will be no marriage and the ongoing creation of individual families (Luke 20:34-35). Instead, all believers will be brothers and sisters in the one family of God the Father. Relationally, if our earthly siblings are Christians, we will still know them in eternity and enjoy their fellowship. Structurally, however, we will no longer be part of a distinct “family” with our earthly siblings because we will all be part of the one family of God.
Infinitely more important than being part of a particular earthly family, then, is being in God’s family. Why? Because earthly families are momentary. God’s family is forever. Jesus even made a distinction between his earthly family members and those who would become his spiritual siblings by faith.
And his mother and his brothers came, and standing outside they sent to him and called him. And a crowd was sitting around him, and they said to him, “Your mother and your brothers are outside, seeking you.” And he answered them, “Who are my mother and my brothers?” And looking about at those who sat around him, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother.”
Mark 3:31-35
Using this public situation as a teaching opportunity, Jesus deliberately challenged the expectations of his listeners. The family was central in Jewish culture, and for good reason. God had designed the family to be the primary means through which Israel would enjoy redemptive blessings (Deut 28:4). Marital fidelity and family were protected by strict laws (Lev 20:10; Deut 5:18), and marriage was the expected state for every Jew who could marry. Singleness was not common in Israel, and childlessness was never viewed as a blessing. Families were a gift to be enjoyed (Ps 128:3). For Jesus to suggest, therefore, that his mother and siblings were not really his mother and siblings was to rend the entire fabric of Old Testament teaching.
Or so it seemed.
Devotion to God Above Family Members in the Old Testament
Actually, Jesus was not violating the Old Testament with his words about the family. Even within Israel, true believers in Yahweh lived in the same family and under the same roof with unbelievers. But loyalty to Yahweh was paramount, even among family members residing under a common covenant (Deut 6:5; 11:1; Josh 23:11; Ps 97:10). For example, if an Israelite woman’s son blasphemed and cursed God, she could not harbor her son and protect him from the punishment he deserved (Lev 24:11-14). Parents whose children cursed or struck them were to be put to death (Lev 20:9). Unfaithful spouses faced capital punishment despite any protests the other spouse might offer (Lev 20:10). To reject these laws and keep one’s child or spouse from their due was to “love” their child or spouse more than God, for God had created such laws for his glory and the purity of the nation.
There are other portions of the Old Testament that highlight the truth that devotion to God outweighs the natural affections one might feel for his family members. Anyone under a Nazarite vow, for example, was not allowed to go near their dead father, mother, or sibling, or they would become unclean (Num 6:6-8). Immediately after divine fire destroyed Aaron’s sons, Nadab and Abihu, for offering strange offering to God (Lev 10:2), Moses declared, “This is what the Lord has said: ‘Among those who are near me I will be sanctified, and before the people I will be glorified’” (Lev 10:3). Amazingly, Moses didn’t comfort Aaron about the loss of his boys. Rather, he exalted God’s holiness and reminded Aaron about what God had said about honoring his worship. Aaron, rather than weep, held his peace (Lev 10:3), for he understood that despite his love for his sons, God’s holiness had been violated, and that was the more important issue. Later in Israel’s history, God required Ezekiel to refrain from grieving over his dead wife (Ezek 24:16-17), a command which Ezekiel dutifully obeyed (Ezek 24:18). Not even the closest family relations were to supersede one’s love for and obedience to God in Israel. “What harsh requirements!” we might protest. Yet, such actions were essential to demonstrate love for God and obedience to his holy commands.
The point of these examples is to confirm that Jesus’ requirement of ultimate love and loyalty to God is not a new expectation for God’s people. God has always demanded that those who call on his name love him with a love that surpasses all other affections.
New Covenant Believers Among Unbelieving Family Members
The spiritual differences between family members in Israel, however, were not as stark as they are now among Christian and non-Christian family members. The reason for this difference is because we are now in the New Covenant era. Under the Old Covenant, all the people of Israel, regardless of their spiritual condition, were members of the covenant. Religious practices and expectations were the same for every family and every member of every family in Israel. Whether or not individual members kept these statutes is irrelevant—from birth, everyone in Israel lived under Yahweh’s theocratic oversight.
Under the New Covenant, however, only born-again believers are members of the covenant. Therefore, you may have in one family those who are under God’s covenant and those who are not. Such could never be the case in Israel.
Hence, when a person becomes a believer while living in an unbelieving family, there will often be immediate and unambiguous differences between the believer and the unbelieving family members. These differences arise because the Christian has been born again, raised from spiritual death to spiritual life, forgiven of their sin, indwelt by the Holy Spirit, and given a new hunger for the Word of God. They now value Christ and Scripture above all other people and principles. These realities will inevitably create some measure of relational distance among family members because there now exists an infinite spiritual distance between these family members.
Jesus Came to Bring a Sword
This is what Jesus meant when he said he came to bring a sword to the family. He was not advocating for his people to become belligerent, rude, or otherwise unpleasant with their unbelieving family members. Rather, the believer’s new spiritual condition and commitments will make it increasingly clear that there is an essential difference between themselves and their non-Christian relatives. These differences will “set a man against his father and a daughter against her mother,” not because the Christian loves strife for its own sake (see Rom 12:18; Gal 5:19-23; James 3:13-17; Heb 12:14), but because they now love Christ more than their closest earthly relations.
In some Muslim homes where conversion to Christianity is considered the arch-sin, a believer may find immediate ostracization and even face physical danger for their new faith in Christ. In families where Christianity is not as severely rejected, there may still be underlying pressure to conform to family expectations and embrace parental values that don’t accord with Christ’s Word in Scripture. The tug to yield to these expectations will be strong precisely because they originate from the people with whom we share the closest relational connections.
Jesus knew we would face these powerful temptations to bend to familial pressure and follow ungodly traditions and expectations, so he spoke sharply to the issue: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26). We may be taken aback by such strong words. At first glance, this statement from Jesus may even seem to contradict other clear biblical passages, like commands to love our neighbor and honor one’s parents.
In light of what we’ve studied up to this point, however, it should be clear that Jesus is not contradicting other biblical doctrines. In truth, his words are gracious warnings because he knows our loyalty to him is most deeply tested among those for whom we feel the greatest natural affection. Jesus wants us to maintain the right order of devotion for our own eternal good. If we desire to follow Christ and enjoy his salvation and fellowship, we must be willing to “hate” those with whom we are naturally the closest.
Again, Jesus is not suggesting that we cultivate actual hostility toward our family members. Such an instruction would contradict Jesus’ teaching that we are to love our neighbors (Matt 22:39) and enemies (Matt 5:44-49), and to honor our parents (Matt 15:4). Rather, Jesus is using strong language to get his disciples to see clearly that their love for him must surpass even their love for their family.
Hating Our Family Members?
In some cases, unbelieving family members may feel “hated” by how their new Christian family member is now choosing to live. For example, a new believer will have a heart to be with the people of God and attend church regularly (Heb 10:24-25). This desire may lead to some family conflict as the Christian now attends church and fellowship groups on Sunday instead of joining the family on their weekly fly-fishing trips to the cabin. Family members who once enjoyed these activities with their child and sibling may feel slighted by the believer’s constant church attendance. In such a case, the believer doesn’t hate their family—indeed, they will likely love them even more than they did before they came to Christ (see 1 John 4:7-8). But their love for Christ surpasses their love for their family, and they will choose to obey the Lord, even if it causes some conflict and misunderstanding among their family members.
It is crucial for our spiritual health and fruitfulness that we reckon with Jesus’ hard words about the family. I’ve observed Christians who have been waylaid in their Christian life because they were ensnared by family relationships, constantly yielding to the pressure to conform to their family’s expectations, even when these expectations directly conflicted with Scripture or indirectly undermined biblical priorities. Rather than seeking to love and obey Christ above all, these folks aimed to please their family members and keep the peace. While it is good and right for Christians to honor their parents and love their siblings, we are never to do so in place of our obedience to Christ. Rather, we honor our parents and love our siblings out of our obedience to Christ. In other words, how we love our siblings and honor our parents must be according to Christ’s Word and always secondary to how we love and honor the Lord.
Conclusion: Hard Words for Our Eternal Good
These are hard commandments, but they are for our good. The natural family is only temporary. God’s family is forever. We can and should thank God for how he has used our earthly families to shape and care for us, but we must also recognize that these structural family bonds will soon be disbanded and give way to a new family arrangement with God as our Father and all believers as our siblings. If we are going to follow Christ well in this life, we must value him over every earthly relationship, even those that are most dear to us.
Christians must never use these commandments from Jesus as an excuse to treat their family members poorly or to desert them in their time of need. But there must be a discernable loyalty to Christ that surpasses all other loyalties, or we will be ever hindered in our walk with Christ and our faithfulness to him.
