Last time I taught the “Relationship Series” to our College and Young Professionals a few years ago, I told the ladies that they should proceed with caution if their boyfriends start to show signs of excessive “moodiness.” Why? Because a moody man is an immature man. His moodiness indicates that he is at the mercy of his emotions, and a man tossed to and fro by his feelings will never be a reliable leader.
A moody man is usually a manipulative, needy man who uses his depressive states to draw attention to himself. He is generally self-focused and wants others to notice him, care for him, and attend to his needs. In other words, a moody man wants to be served rather than serve (contrast with Mark 10:42).
I said it to the ladies as plainly as I could: “Moody boyfriends are the worst.”
Moody Dads: A Drag on the Family
But so are moody dads. While some of us are naturally more cheerful than others, we all need to make it a priority to cultivate a consistently happy demeanor in the home. This is not a call to frivolity or superficial glee in the face of serious problems, and I am not suggesting that men should never be serious or firm. But Christian dads should be seeking a life of joy and emotional consistency for the sake of our family’s spiritual well-being. Few things are more frustrating or destabilizing for children than a dad with a morose and generally unpredictable emotional life.
Yes, the Christian life is serious, and holiness is essential. But seriousness should not be mistaken for sullenness, nor should holiness be mistaken for somberness. Firm conversations, discipline, correction, and rebuke are all vital elements of healthy parenting. But so is happiness.[1]
If God’s joy strengthens his people (Neh 8:10), it makes sense that our joy as fathers would, as we imitate our heavenly Father (Eph 5:1), strengthen the people in our household. An atmosphere of joy creates happy, confident children who feel at ease at home. They don’t need to tiptoe around their father’s emotions or constantly try to cheer him up, nor do they need to fear the unpredictability of his foul moods.
Thus, a happy dad is an approachable dad. He is a man whose children can ask him for help, look to him for mercy when they sin, and enjoy his presence during playtime. This happiness creates an affectionate relationship between the father and his children, which helps them be receptive to his instruction. Solomon didn’t just command his sons; he wanted their affection as well. “My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways” (Prov 23:26; emphasis added).
What’s the Dominant Flavor of Your Parenting?
Men, if the dominant flavor of your parenting is anger, correction, and rebuke, and you rarely laugh with and enjoy your children, something is amiss. God has poured joy into earthly life, and our parenting should reflect this reality. God designed the family structure to be an environment in which great earthly happiness could be cultivated and enjoyed. A man should rejoice in his wife (Prov 5:18; Eccl 9:9), and children are a gift that God intended to be a source of great blessing (Ps 127:3; 128:3).
Not only this, but salvation itself is defined by joy (Deut 33:29; Ps 51:12), and rejoicing should be a consistent theme in the believer’s life (Phil 4:4). A right relationship with God brings with it a state of blessedness (Matt 5:1-11), and some of us need a reminder that the word translated “blessed” in the New Testament does mean “happy.” God himself is happy (1 Tim 6:15). What a wonderful thought!
Think of it, dads: if you are in Christ, you have every reason to be happy. God has delivered you from eternal condemnation and granted you eternal life (Rom 8:1). He sovereignty cares for you and is constantly working everything together for your good (Rom 8:28). You have a relationship with the God of the universe whose plan is to someday lavish his kindness upon you in a never-ending kingdom (Eph 2:6-7).
Trials may be presently abounding, but they are storing up for you a weight of glory that is beyond all comparison (2 Cor 4:16-18). Christ has promised to provide for all your needs (Matt 6:25-32) and help you in your distresses (John 16:33; Heb 4:14-16). The Holy Spirit prays for you when you don’t even know what to pray (Rom 8:26-27). God is for you (Rom 8:31), and you can never be lost (Rom 8:32-39; John 10:27-30).
Why Are Some Dads Unhappy?
God has given us countless promises to bolster and buttress our happiness. Why, then, do some dads display a pattern of moodiness in their home? Here are a few possible reasons why a dad may not be a consistently happy dad:
He does not yet know the forgiveness of Christ. It will be difficult for a man to maintain a pattern of joy in his home if he still bears the weight of a guilty conscience before God. Until a man experiences the new birth and senses that God has pardoned all his sin (John 3:3; Col 2:13; Titus 3:3-7), he will not be a consistently happy man, especially if he is trying to parent his children according to Scripture. He will be constantly frustrated and angry at his children’s sin because his soul is burdened by his own.
He is not dealing with his own sin. A man may be in Christ and have previously experienced the once-for-all cleansing of his sin but has recently neglected to care for his own soul through regular confession and repentance. Unresolved sins have begun to pile upon his conscience, and, like the unbeliever, he has started to feel the weight of guilt on his heart. When a Christian man is not dealing effectively with his own sin, he will lack joy and find himself increasingly moodier in the home. Thankfully, the solution is simple. This dad needs to confess his sins to God (1 John 1:9) and other trusted members of his congregation (James 5:16), so his conscience might be cleansed and his relationship with God restored. Nothing chokes out happiness like a troubled conscience, and nothing promotes it like a clean one (see Rom 14:22). Also, it is vital for effective parenting to first make sure that we are removing the logs from our own eyes so we can see clearly to help our children with their sin (Matt 7:1-5).
He has a lopsided view of the Christian life. I’ve already alluded to this above, but it is possible for a genuine believer to have a lopsided view of the Christian life. Depending on a man’s family and church background, he may view “happiness” and “joy” with some suspicion. He may conceive of the Christian life mainly in terms of discipline and sobriety and believe that the Christian must choose between holiness and happiness. But this is a false dichotomy. Nothing should make a man happier than experiencing God’s holiness in his life. The pure in heart are happy because they can see God (Matt 5:8). Joy is a vital aspect of the Christian experience (John 15:11; Gal 5:22-23), and this should naturally overflow into the home.
He thinks that seriousness and firmness alone will win obedience. This is a mistake dads committed to raising their children in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph 6:4) can easily make. There is certainly a place for firm words, a serious tone, discipline, and rebuke (Prov 29:15), and faithful parents will implement these elements into their parenting. But these elements of parenting by themselves will not win heart-felt obedience from our children.
Even upon a little reflection we must admit that our heavenly Father doesn’t deal with us this way (Psa 103:1-14). He mingles exhortation with encouragement all throughout the Bible. Instructions are grounded in gracious promises, and his tender love for us is the basis and source of our love for him (1 John 4:7-11; also Rom 5:5, 8). If you want to reach your children’s heart, there must be affection between you and your children, and a demeanor of unflinching seriousness will not likely cultivate such affection.
He has a tendency toward morbid introspection and sadness. I recognize that God has made each of us differently and, through his Providence, shaped us in unique ways. Some men (I include myself here), more easily succumb to depressive thoughts, sadness, and morbid introspection. For men in this category, the battle to maintain a happy demeanor in the home may be especially difficult. But difficulty does not relieve us of responsibility. Our backgrounds, personalities, experiences, and a host of other factors make us more or less susceptible to certain sins and spiritual states. But these factors cannot be used as an excuse to shirk an important aspect of mature manhood: the call to reflect the happiness of God in our homes.
Conclusion
God has made men the head of the home. This means we must lead our family in a godly direction and be the final voice on significant family decisions. But just as importantly, we are responsible for setting the tone for the family and life in the home. If the dad is glum, morose, easily irritated, and regularly angry, the rest of the family will be sapped of spiritual vitality. The children in particular will be more easily provoked to anger (Eph 6:4) and discouraged (Col 3:21).
But if we cultivate genuine happiness in Christ and labor to express that happiness consistently in the home, our family will thrive. No, a happy dad is not a flawless dad, nor does his happiness guarantee the salvation and sanctification of his children, but it will be a means to creating an atmosphere where children will see the goodness of the gospel as their dad walks in the joy of the Lord.
NOTES
[1]In this article, I use “happiness” and “joy” interchangeably, as I do not find biblical warrant to sharply distinguish these two concepts. Randy Alcorn, in his book aptly titled Happiness (Tyndale House, 2015), offers a rigorous argument for why we should view these two words as generally synonymous, rather than seeing one as worldly (“happiness”) and the other as godly (“joy”). Nor should we see the desire for happiness (rather than joy) as sinful. “After extensive research,” Alcorn writes, “I’m convinced that no biblical or historical basis exists to define happiness as inherently sinful. Unfortunately, because Bible teachers such as [Oswald] Chambers saw people trying to find happiness in sin, they concluded that pursuing happiness was sinful” (39). We all seek happiness—this is God’s design. Sin is not located in the desire for happiness, but in the pursuit of happiness in something other than God.
