I recently had with an eye-opening conversation with young man recently about the prospect of dating. It wasn’t because the topic of dating is eye-opening (quite the opposite), but because of the way the conversation transpired. Most single young men like to inquire just how important I think physical attraction is in the realm of romantic relationships. And so I asked this particular young man the question,
“How physically attracted do you feel you have to be to a girl you date?” He asked what I meant.
“Do you think, in order for you to date a girl, she would need to be a ten out of ten?” He quickly said, “No. I would be ok if she were a six.”
I was surprised; the majority of the guys I know have told me how the future-she has to be at least a nine. So I asked him why it is that he would be ok with a 6. His response was stunning: “Well, I’m not exactly a ten out of ten. If I’m not the most attractive guy, how can I expect to have the most attractive girl?”
I was stunned from the maturity and sobriety. I realized that this young man—still in high school—had a quality that is essential for life and ministry that many people older than him still don’t have: a high degree of self-awareness. Getting to know this brother over this past year has also made me realize that he exhibits self-awareness nearly every other area of his life.
The Importance of Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is vital. Interestingly, there’s been a lot of recent discussion in the self-help and life-coaching fields on the topic of self-awareness as an essential personal skill for social success. I agree both with the need for its discussion as well as its cultivation. Self-awareness is an essential quality to succeed in life. But before going further, some definition are necessary.
Defining Self-Awareness
By self-awareness, I’m speaking of the quality of having a clear and objective understanding of one’s own personality—including thoughts, emotions, behaviors, strengths, weaknesses, outward perception, and outward impact. It is the ability to see yourself with the objectivity as an outsider would. It involves the ability to think accurately and soberly about yourself, to have sound judgment about yourself. To be self-aware is to understand yourself as you actually are.
Categories of Self-Awareness
Psychologists and social scientists often break down self-awareness into two categories. The first is internal self-awareness, which refers to how one understands one’s own thoughts, emotions, values, strengths, and weakness. The second is external self-awareness, which refers to how one understands how they are perceived by others and how one’s actions and personality are viewed by and impact others. Again, it’s a hot topic in the fields of psychology and social science.
The Biblical Basis for Self-Awareness
But it is also precisely what Paul talks about when he says, “I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment”(Romans 12:3). Thus, part of the outflow of one’s salvation in Christ is sober-mindedness in Christ—particularly about oneself. An individual who is self-aware is one who comes to the right conclusions about himself.
Conversely, it involves not being delusional or self-deceived about who you are, what you are truly like, how you come across, and how you impact those around you. Thus, the instruction for self-awareness was written in the Scriptures for God’s people long before any psychology textbook wrote about it. And the Scriptures delineate several areas where Christians are called to exhibit self-awareness. I will discuss are four of them here.
Category #1: Self-Awareness Regarding our Own Sins, Faults, and Short-Comings.
Christians are called to exhibit self-awareness with respect to personal faults and short-comings. We see this principle in Jesus’ words when he calls out the hypocritically self-righteous in Matthew 7:3-4:
“Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? “Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye?”
Talk about a hyperbole. It’s outrageous to notice on a speck at a distance while being oblivious a log in your own eye. It’s the equivalent of criticizing a neighbor for having a single ant in his yard while being unaware of the elephant in yours.
And yet what is truly outrageously hypocritical is all-too prevalent. Think about the last time you had a heightened awareness of another person’s faults while failing to recognize your own, or the last time you heard someone minimize their own faults while exaggerating that of another.
Biblical self-awareness involves having a greater awareness and alertness toward the presence of one’s sins and shortcomings than they do the sins of and shortcomings of others. Practically speaking, an individual who is self-aware in the right way spends more time addressing their own faults than they do the faults of others.
Category #2: Self-Awareness Regarding our Abilities, Strengths, and Weaknesses
Christians are called to exhibit self-awareness with respect to our natural abilities, strengths, and weaknesses. Simply put, God calls us to be aware of what we truly can or can’t do and not be delusional about it.
Consider the parable of the shrewd manager in Luke 16:1-9. His shrewdness was a result of his self-awareness of his own weaknesses. Before he did what he did to protect himself, he first had to come to a realization of what he could not do: “I am not strong enough to dig.” He knew that, should he lose his job as a manager, he didn’t have the physical strength to financially support himself through manual labor. This wasn’t self-deprecation, but self-awareness—an accurate understanding of his natural abilities and limitations that led him to act shrewdly.
God calls us to exhibit such kind of self-awareness about ourselves in what we can or can’t do. This is especially true in (though not limited to) the occupational sphere. I wish I could claim that the reason why I’m neither a physician nor a professional athlete is because of a lack of opportunity. But the honest truth is I have neither the brains for the first nor the brawn for the second. And I’ve embraced that. God has given me natural abilities in other areas, and I’ve embraced that as well. Success in life involves building your endeavors around your strengths. But before we can build around our strengths, we have to be aware of what are strengths are and what they aren’t. It would behoove many, then, to understand when you are not strong enough to do something like this shrewd manager did.
Category #3: Self-Awareness Regarding our Spiritual Giftedness.
Related to but distinct from natural strengths and abilities is the realm of spiritual giftedness. Christians are called to exhibit self-awareness with respect to way the Holy Spirit has gifted them for ministry. For even though every Christian is gifted by the Spirit, no one is gifted in the exact same way. Hence, the distribution of spiritual gifts is “manifold” (cf 1 Peter 4:10).
Romans 12:3 makes it clear that part of having sound judgement regarding oneself is understanding how it is that God has “allotted to each a measure of faith,” and understanding that “we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us.” Again, self-awareness leans to neither arrogance (believing that you are worthy of your giftedness, produced your giftedness, or are superior to others because of your giftedness), nor self-deprecation (believing that you are either lacking any giftedness or inferior to others because of their giftedness). Neither attitudes are biblical. Spirit-driven self-awareness is simply assessing accurately how God has and hasn’t gifted you for New Covenant ministry, and ministering in light this giftedness. Practically, being self-aware means you need to know if God has gifted you to serve, teach, exhort, give, lead, or show mercy.
But self-awareness includes not only understanding the nature of your gifting, but also the capacity (or degree) that God has gifted you within that sphere of giftedness. The truth is that, even within the same sphere of giftedness, we are not all equal in capacity; the measure (or degree) of faith (or giftedness) that God has allotted to each is different. It’s important to understand our own personal limits and capacities within this sphere.
Category #4: Self-Awareness Regarding our Impact and Influence on Others.
Related to awareness of our own sins and faults is awareness of how we impact others. Christians are called to be self-aware with respect to the effect of their actions, decisions, and personality on those around them. When talking about the exercising of liberties, Paul instructs the Corinthians in 1 Corinthians 8:13, “if food causes my brother to stumble, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause my brother to stumble.” Paul’s point: if the exercising of something you have the right to do (that is morally neutral) does negatively impact another person spiritually, then don’t do it. If your exercising of a particular liberty doesn’t negatively impact then, then feel free to do it.
The bigger idea: exercise your Christian liberties with the awareness of how your actions may have a negative impact on those around you. Indeed, there are times where even good endeavors done with good intentions may be taken or interpreted differently by those around you. Proverbs 27:14 states, “He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned to him.” Life, then, is not just about doing the right thing morally, but have the awareness of how it is received or perceived.
Part of this aspect of self-awareness is also understanding the level of influence you may naturally have on those around you because of your natural personality or your position. Whether she wanted to or not, Esther needed to realize just how influential her actions could be for the people while in her position of royalty (see Esther 4:14). Thus, part of biblical self-awareness is understanding where your personality, actions, and decisions fit in the social Richter scale.
Conclusion
Cultivating and exhibiting self-awareness is not ultimately for the self. As Christians, we want to serve the Lord with all of our might. We want to have a redemptive impact on those around us for the sake of Christ and his glory. Our duty is to love our neighbor as we do ourselves and to lay down our lives for others. But in order to do this, we need to be cognizant of our faults and the way we impact others. In order to serve others, we need to know how we can best do this given the abilities and gifts we have. Thus, in order to most effectively love and serve others, we need to aware of the reality that we aren’t always a ten out of ten.
