At times, being a husband in a Christian household can feel like having a “Get out of jail free” card. When my wife and I disagree on any given subject, the temptation may arise to pull Ephesians 5:22-24 out of context and say “You have to submit to me! I’m your husband!” This is obviously not correct, and it directly refutes the following verse: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:25). It is neither loving nor sacrificial of me to demand blind obedience, and it is also hazardous to my wife’s spiritual health for one very specific reason: I don’t have all the answers.
When my wife and I were married six years ago, God did not bestow upon me a storehouse of wisdom at the moment we said, “I do.” I wasn’t given a magical book for husbands that makes me incapable of error. What the Lord gave me was a wife who is simultaneously a magnifying glass pointed directly at my sin and a loving partner who is not afraid to tell me when she sees it. Marriage can be incredibly sanctifying.
How Do We Lead Our Wives?
But what do we do with passages like Ephesians 5:22-24? If our wives are meant to submit to our leadership, how do we ensure that we are leading them in the right way and not abusing the responsibility Scripture lays upon us? What does it even look like for my wife to submit to me? Thankfully, Paul gave us some straightforward instruction in the following verses. Ephesians 5:25-33 reads:
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, have cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
When we pursue these commands to love our wives as we love ourselves, we begin to see a picture of Christ and the Church acted out in our daily lives. Loving my wife means leading her to truth, being an example of Christ-likeness, praying with her, protecting her from harm—whether physical, emotional, or spiritual—and so much more. Elsewhere, Scripture provides even more insight on what this love should look like: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful…” (1 Cor 13:4-5).
Loving Our Wives as Christ Loves the Church
Woah! Timeout! Love does not insist on its own way? I thought my wife was supposed to submit to me! So how do we line these two things up? Put simply, our wives are called to submit to us, not when we are selfishly pursuing our own earthly desires and thereby leading them into sin, but when we are pointing them to Christ. My wife is most certainly not being sanctified by being washed with the water of my whims. Ephesians states husbands are to love their wives with a purifying, biblical love just as Christ cleanses the church. When husbands follow this model laid out in Scripture and exemplified by Jesus, they also accept all the other commands and responsibilities of Scripture such as showing great compassion as Christ did to us, leading by example, and guiding our wives with Scripture and prayer as Christ did in his earthly ministry. Great! Lesson over, get out there and do it!
If only it were so easy. As I mentioned earlier, I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t possess the natural capacity to love my wife with a holy, purifying, and sacrificial love. I need God’s Spirit, and I need to be equipped with divine wisdom.
The obvious first step to getting equipped to love our wives is to pick up the sword of the Spirit (Eph 6:17), the Bible, and study God’s Word. How else can we know the will of God if we are not reading it directly from him? So, easy answer is step one: read your Bible. Almost immediately, however, we discover that we don’t understand everything that we are reading. Sometimes, the meaning of Scripture is difficult to grasp. So how do we make sense of God’s commandments given to us some 2,000 or so years ago?
Learn from other Godly Men
Thankfully, God has provided ways for us to grow in love and understanding, and one key way that we may do this is by seeking wise counsel. The Proverbs are replete with exhortations to seek wise counsel:
Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.
Proverbs 11:14
Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.
Proverbs 15:22
An intelligent heart acquired knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.
Proverbs 18:15
As a young husband I learned very quickly that I am blessed to be a part of the Body of Christ, where there are several men who have studied Scripture more, been married longer, and are willing—and even happy—to offer a kind and encouraging word as I seek to be a better husband and spiritual leader. Discipleship is essential for personal spiritual growth and will ultimately enhance my ability to lead my wife well and to love her as Christ loved the Church.
Conclusion: Two Practical Takeaways
There is much more that can be said on the subject, but two wonderful practical steps to getting some of “the answers” are the following. One, read and meditate regularly on God’s Word in the context of regularly hearing it taught and preached in your local church. Two, develop a discipleship relationship with an older man in your local church in order to learn from someone who has been married longer (Titus 2:2; cf. Prov 13:20). Study Scripture together and share what you learn with your wife. She will be blessed by it as you love her more completely, and you are both sanctified by the Word. Pray together daily that you would grow together and grow in Christ-likeness. If you pursue these things, you’ll be in a better position to fulfill God’s fundamental requirements for marriage roles: being a loving husband, and being a submissive wife. After all, if you’re both seeking the same things and moving in the same direction, love and submission start to feel a whole lot easier.
